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The boy that wanted to love.
Ok I’m sorry but I don’t understand. If we love each other, what the fuck is the problem? Shouldn’t that be enough? Shouldn’t the figuring out part be an afterthought? Why aren’t we together? Why isn’t he standing outside my bedroom window screaming how much he loves me and he wants me back?
At the risk of sounding like a privilege bitch… this isn’t fair. I never get what I want and I think I do everything right (although, obviously I’m not, otherwise I wouldn’t be fucking alone again). I know he’s doing the right thing. I know he just cares about me and know he can’t offer me everything he wants me to have but god-dammit, I want HIM. As usual. As always.
I’m sure he’s crying and beating himself up because this can’t happen but he’s holding back and I CAN’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY. I did. A few days ago. But now all my mind is saying is “Remember how amazing it felt to wake up next to his smiling face looking at yours and telling you how much he loved you while you slept? Remember how much you both feared the next day because you knew it would come to an end? Remember how sad he was when you left? Um… hey, what are you still doing here? Go jump his bones, stupid bitch!”
My minds argue a lot. But deep down, I know that’s really why we’re not together. Because he doesn’t know how to stand outside my bedroom window and tell me he loves me and as much as he wants me back, he can’t bring himself to say those words. Because he doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend and he doesn’t want to try and end up hurting me. Ugh. Why does it have to be a legitimate reason? Why can’t it just be something bullshit-y like he’s allergic to my perfume so has to date other people or something? It’d be so much easier to hate him. But I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and tell him that everything’s gonna be OK. Is that weird? That’s probably weird…
When you care about someone… you just want to do everything in your power to make them happy. When you love someone? You do it without thinking.
Fuck this. I’m going back to eating chocolate and watching TV.
21ish. Frequent failure at relationships and all things love-related. Cultural Anthropology enthusiast. Curses in spanish frequently. Spends way too much time Tumbling & Facebooking. Thinks Betty is better than Veronica, any day. Subscribe via RSS.
