Pececitos Dulce-Amargos made this pour toi.

So, here’s the latest rant.

Usually I like someone, it crashes and burns [me] and I blame myself for fucking things up [although I probably didn’t] or going after idiots. And I always swear it’s different.

So, I know it’s lame and played-out but, for this year my New Year’s Resolutions hinted at not doing that anymore. No more extreme risk-taking, no more caring-too-much and no putting-everyone/thing-ahead of my own feelings.

This decision arose on the eve of this new year, when upon making an extremely risky move, I encountered a situation that was a little too familiar; the typical nice guy that for some reason either,

A) Can’t relax around me because of some deep-seated trauma I’m unaware of (and probably never will be because… well, he can’t relax around me)

or

B) Wants to be into me for all the obvious reasons, but isn’t.

Familiar territory, indeed, huh? And I know this guy won’t push me around like others but, still, something in my gut is telling me something isn’t right. Maybe it’s just my fucked up, abused psyche trying to push up walls because I’m not ready for anything but… I just can’t take his feelings as real. They don’t feel real.

Yes, the girl best friend thing is also a factor [of course it is], in fact, this situation is the one that most girls dream of: one of my best friends is his best friend? That should feel awesome!

But it doesn’t, in fact, I’m beginning to think it’s fucking things up a little. Because that whole wondering and going through different crazy scenarios with your besties is how I’m used to dealing with new crushes but her knowing so much about his feelings and me not knowing them at all just makes me feel… alone.

So when she reassures me, even though I know her intentions are nothing but pure and sweet, they make me doubt mine about his-reflected-through-her. See? It’s confusing. And I feel guilty because that girl has been nothing but helpful and attentive and amazing. She truly just wants us both to be happy. But I know that if I tell her this is happening, it’d just hurt her feelings.

I’m very close to giving up but I know if it doesn’t work out with this boy, who’s as kind and honest-to-God great as they make them, then it’s not going to with anyone else. Like I said, I care about him so much but I don’t see him feeling the same way. And I don’t know how far I can keep going without losing all hope.

This is it. This is my last attempt at romance. If I don’t find a way to get him to open up and make me believe his feelings are sincere, then I’m done. No more dating. No more fucking around. No more anything. It’ll be school, work and friends. And I’ll keep moving at a fast pace to avoid anything deep from developing, because honestly, I just hurt and I shouldn’t. This is new. Brand fucking new. I should be grinning and listening to crappy love songs that I swear are about me but instead I just stare at stars and pray that you love me back in a way I can see.